Getting Dumped on Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day is traditionally spent between lovers exchanging flowers, offering chili confectionery, and sending greeting cards (easily done through the Chili-Fax 3000). However, some Valentine's Days are not so pleasant. Maybe you don't want to go through the whole rigmarole of the days events because you lost that same lust for your partner. Now nobody is saying that breaking up is easy but we here at Chili Chat have discovered the smoothest and most humane way to tell someone "I hate your guts and don't want to buy you a gift anymore". We want to share this sacred ritual with you today; it has been a widely accepted tradition that has been practiced within many chili consuming cultures throughout history.

Step 1: Create a Contract


A contract is always a good thing to have when planning to break off any kind of commitment. It clearly acknowledges that your mate, the dumpie, and you, the dumper, have agreed to take part in an event that involves the three main ingredients: chili, Valentine's Day, and dumping. Believe me, this will save you tons of time arguing when you get the "I don't know where this is coming from". All you need to say is "read the contract". End of argument.




Step 2: Mix the Various Chili's


Just because you hate the person that your with doesn't mean you are a heartless bastard and this is a great time to reveal that side of you. Mixing the chili serves two purposes:

1. It acts as a great instrument for symbolism of the relationships. Two unique chili's formed into one phenomenal dish that was consumed and delicious at a point in time now has gone through the harsh digestive process. In hindsight these dishes that were never meant to be mixed will be slowly and painfully leaving your expecting colon.
2. It tastes delicious! Hard to get mad at someone when you are eating something so perfect at the time. Think of it as a numbing instrument much akin to an antidepressant. When the time comes maybe try to be considerate and offer your ex-partner the leftovers. It will show good form on your part.

Step 3: Be Very Careful with your Wording


So you have the contract, you set the stage, everything is falling into place. All you have left is to say the words that you've been waiting to shout for months now. However, you have to be very careful with how you explain it to your soon to be ex-partner. Do not let raw emotion cloud your message. Any straying from the contract and the whole day is ruined and your stuck with the same wet rag for at least another year. You only say these words...

"As I am sure you already know (from the contract), I do not care for your presence anymore and the only thing good about you is the chili that you contributed to this chili dump. I declare that from this day henceforth you are dumped. To prove to you and the rest of the Valentine's Day Chili Dump participants that I am the better person throughout this process I want you to retain ownership of all the leftovers, including the corn bread."



Inevitably you will get responses such as "I don't know where this is coming from?" or "How could you do this in front of all my friends?". The beauty of Step 1 is that you already covered all of your bases so simply say "I don't know why you are caught off guard by this, just look at the contract". Now you are home free. Going forward just have your ex-partner refer to the contract. Soon the chili will take its natural effect on your now ex-partner and he or she will quickly forget the pain that was once felt while slowly slipping into a chili coma.


Well I hope you still have time to set up a chili dump to get out of the suffocating relationship you're currently in. Once again chili pulls through in the clutch! Good luck and Happy Valentine's Day friends.