Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Fireman Death Shakes Small Town

Tragedy struck the small town of Bleuth, Kansas yesterday when a local firefighter died in front of a large crowd.


The third Saturday in August usually represents the near end of summer, the school year nearing, and the dog days of summer. For the small town of Bleuth it means much more. Every third Saturday in August, for the last 16 years, the streets are shut down and Bleuthfest begins! Bleuthfest consists of 8 hours of fun, food and drink. This year Bleuthfest featured a hay rack ride, a dunk tank, a tractor pull, an eating contest, a magic show and all the cold beer you can drink!


The festival begins each year when the town mayor, Horace Trotter, gives the opening remarks wearing his teal Bleuthe Lugnuts Letterman jacket. The jovial mayor's remarks set the mood for the whole festival and prepare everyone for a day of fun. Trotter closes the speech by announcing the secret entree for the food eating contest. This year's pick was Chili Pie provided by local restaurant The Feed Wagon. Trotter ironically stated; "Hopefully no one eats themselves to death."


Owner and head chef of The Feed Wagon, Guy Mandelay, announced this years participants in the eating contest. The crowd cheered the loudest for last years winner; Tornado Bramble. Bramble was a Bleuth native that worked as a firefighter by day and a competitive eater by night. Last year he took home the title after finishing off 11 of Ms. Coolbaugh's peppered porkchops.


The contest started and the eaters began their onslaught of chili pie. After several minutes there were two clear cut leaders; Mark Dash and Tornado Bramble. Dash was starting to slow down and wet his moist brow with a bandana. Bramble let out a loud cry and took another massive helping of hearty chili pie into his mouth. Bramble was starting to turn red. His chewing began to slow down and eventually cease. His eyes went blank and he fell face first into the chili pie.


The crowd roared with laughter at what they thought was Tornado pulling another one of his wisecracks. Last year he faked like he was going to throw up all over the crowd, earning him style points with the judges. After several seconds the crowds laughter turned into whispers and worry. Mark Dash never looked away from his seemingly endless chili pie. The mayor was the first one at Bramble's side, and found him non responsive. He checked the eater's pulse, and then gave a look to the crowd that only meant one thing. Tornado Bramble was dead. The mayor let a single tear run down his cheek, took off his Lugnuts jacket and covered up Bramble's body with it.




The festival shut down early and set a somber haze over the town of Bleuth. The next day the flag outside of The Feed Bag flew at half mast. Mark Dash went on to win the eating contest.




mmm mmm Yummy Earth

Grab some Yummy Earth!





















I was given this bag of Organic Hot Chili Pops, brought to you by the good people at Yummy Earth, as a gift. 




















The verdict is...guilty of being absolutely delicious!

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Local cheapskate passes on the dollar up-charge for chili – sticks with the coleslaw.

At around 8:15pm last night, local cheapskate Pyke Rasburt slapped chili in the face, hard.

According to friends, Rasburt a “Class-A dumbass”, tagged along with them for dinner and drinks at Gorky’s Pub.
Rasburt racked up an impressive $12 tab for the night (which included his half priced burger, one Schlitz tall boy, four glasses of water and a less than generous tip). “Good luck getting that d-bag to spring for anything. I’m surprised he didn’t order off the kids menu.” Taupe Shingle told Chili Chat. Shingle, a long time pal of Rasburt informed us that this isn’t the first time he’s been a tightwad. “I think it was last Thursday, he turned down the $1 up-charge for seasoned fries.  C’mon man, what the fuck?!  Sometimes it’s worse than going out with my ex-girlfriend. And now this shit with the chili. I know he likes chili. It’s like a buck dude. He didn't even touch the coleslaw. And it’s not even like we even invite him, he just always finds some way to show up and be a complete fuck up. Sorry, I’m just super annoyed with the guy. I love him and all, but geeze, just live a little sometimes.”

We’re not exactly sure why Rasburt would turn down a bowl of homemade chili. $1 is no excuse. Our guess, an obvious chemical imbalance.

It has yet to be seen if Rasburt will be invited to former college roommate, Gill Knapsack's bachelor party next month. At $100 a head, Rasburt will probably just "Drop by for a few drinks".
Wise up pal.

Cheers,


Monday, August 15, 2011

Local artist officially invites Chili Chat to "SUCK IT".


An anonymously talented local artist has extended an invitation for Chili Chat to "SUCK IT". The Palomino Bar in Milwaukee, WI is widly known for their impressive bathroom art. Inventive tags like "Hipsters Pee Here", "You Suck" and "69" paired along side of several hastily carved pentagrams and anarchy symbols make this bathroom an outlet for creative minds to speak.

Obviously we are honored. You can't beat this kind of press. Dozens of slightly to extremely drunk males in the 21-40 year old demographic urinate in that toilet every day. Talk about reaching your target audience. We are encouraging any and all fans of Chili Chat to graciouly invite us to "Get Bent","Fuck Off", "Shut Up", "Go to Hell" or "Eat Soup".


Cheers...and also, suck it.

 

Monday, August 8, 2011

Chili Co.'s new Chili Soaker is a blast of hot fun!

Gather your friends and enemies.  Chili Co., the world’s largest producer of chili related toys, announced today that summer is about to get a hot blast of fun!

According to their website, this summer’s must have toy, the Chili Soaker, will begin shipping today. According to KB Toys manager Kelp Shrimpton, pre-sales for the Chili Soaker have long since sold out.  “We began taking pre-orders over the holiday season.  We sold about 600 of them, only to find out we’re only getting 20 units.  But don’t fret, we’re very prepared for rioting.  In fact it’s covered in our training video.” Shrimpton told Chili Chat.

Anyone who's familiar with Chili Co.'s innovative product line can feel safe in assuming the much anticipated Chili Soaker is not your ordinary squirt gun.  Where normal squirt guns shoot only plain old boring water, the Chili Soaker shoots a delicious high pressured stream of hot, tasty chili at about 750 psi!  Now that’s sure to knock your neighborhood bully down a few pegs on the social ladder. The Chili Soaker can hold almost any type of chili.  It’s patented bean filter make clogging almost impossible. Their flagship model will hold 50 liters of chili, with expansion packs planned for the future.  The interchangeable tanks make this model ideal not only for chili, but also for sour cream, cheese sauce or any other condiment under the sun!  And unlike other chili squirt guns, changing the grease trap is a snap! Get ready to have a hot blast this summer with the new Chili Soaker.

The Chili Co. Chili Soaker is fun for all ages and will be available for the modest price of $44.99 at your local KB Toys, Service Merchandise, TJ Maxx and Venture stores.

Have a blast this summer and blast someone with chili!

Cheers,