Tip of the Day: 10 things you probably shouldn't do if you have chili fingers.

We enjoy helping our readers in their everyday lives, by providing useful tips that are easily applicable in everyday situations.

Today's Chili Chat Life Tip:
10 things you probably shouldn't do if you have chili fingers:

1. Use an iPad
2. Hug your grandmother
3. Give a business professional handshake
4. Point
5. Enter a professional poker tournament
6. Share popcorn at the movie theater
7. Pick your nose
8. Braid someones hair
9. Thumb war
10. Perform surgery

For more helpful life tips from Chili Chat, be sure to pre-order Chili Chat: Your 21st Century Life Coach, available in paperback, hardcover and digital format.

Cheers,

Spring has sprung. Have some chili, jerk!

It's finally that time of the year. The birds are chirping, grills are getting fired up, and the smell of fresh cut grass lingers in the air. After a restless winter, people are starting to get out of their houses and out into the community. Local business owners have their doors wide open. Spring is upon us!

On a Saturday with no particular schedule, I found myself walking about downtown Kenosha with a few comrades. We became reacquainted with our downtown area, and visited all the favorites. With our on-foot adventure coming to a close, we decided to stop at one last establishment. We entered Scoops Ice Cream.

Scoops is a fine ice cream parlor tucked away in a quaint corner downtown. It is home to a plethora of flavors, some classic, some a little more daring. It was time to get a few free samples. Alas my eye caught the crown jewel of the flavors; Chocolate Chili.
















I have had the opportunity to try some interesting chili combinations in my life. Some of them good choices, some not so much. I jumped at the chance to sample this juxtaposition.

















What followed was about what I expected. A strong chocolate presence followed by a zesty chili kick that stayed with you. The kick may be too strong for some as I saw a little girl crying immediately following the taste test.
















The decision was unanimous. We all accepted the chocolate chili as it was. Scoops, you have inspired me. Who is to say where chili ends and begins in our world of food. Let the chili flow, I say!

THREE chili cooking tips

5. Chili filled Birthday cake- Surprise a friend or loved one with hot Texas chili secretly hiding beneath inches of white frosting!

4. Chili filled pancakes- Jack up your favorite pancake better with some of your homemade chili. Keep your friends on their toes by serving up a short stack of this spicy, curious creation.

3. Chili chip cookies- Strain your chili for several hours, leave it in the sun, and voilà! Take the hardened remains and replace them with the chocolate chips. School bake sale? I think so.


Come on down to Scoops Ice Cream Parlor on 6th Avenue and say hello to Ellen Schimian. Tell her Breadbowl sent you. Try the chocolate chili flavored ice cream if you're brave enough. Let your chili seap onto all pages of the menu, my friends.

A Man Dies, but a legend lives on.

I'm sorry to report this, but we here at Chili-Chat just got word from one of our field reporters that Macho Man Randy Savage has left this mortal earth.

Macho Man was behind the wheel of his car, when he reportedly had a heart attack, causing the vehicle to loose control, and crash.

Early reports are showing that the heart attack was caused by "complicated indigestion" from eating too many of the now proto-type "Chili Explosion" Slim Jims. Our lawyers are working hard to disprove any of these allegations.

It's tragedies like this that remind us all, how precious life is. And we here at chili-chat would like to send out our sincerest condolences (without admitting fault) to the family and friends of Mr. Savage.

May he live forever in our hearts, and on awesome interview videos on youtube.



OOOOOOHHHH YEAAAAAAH!

How the Hell Did You Find Us?

To commemorate our historic 5,000^th visitor to Chili Chat, we thought it would be appropriate to share how our loyal readers have discovered us. Research has shown that 100% of the world enjoys chili, so it’s only a matter of time before the whole world has the pleasure to reach Chili Chat.  We have spent endless hours and suffered crippling monetary debt to bring you a list of our favorite search keywords from our first 5,000 visitors. In no particular order, we would like to ask you…HOW THE HELL DID YOU FIND US?

• Someone eating Lance Crackers
• How to find what is in the unlabeled can
• How to remain anonymous while contacting chilis human resources
• Comemorative Elizabeth Tayor plates 
• Elizabeth Tayor and cold cream
• Things to put in chili
• Things to put chili on
• homemade chili for 250 people
• national chili day 
• chilli chip chat
• chili lip balm
• chili tv show
• chili and flu or cold
• chilli prices may 2011
• chillie-chat.nl
• chilli (processed state)
• chilly high tiny chat
• chat shili 8
• chilli industry management
• dunk tank
• Ross Ohlendorf
• Gerri Guardipee
• chistes calientes
• 7 mile fair reviews
• poonch, texas
• شات طعريص

What keyword am I anxiously awaiting?  "Pictures of Myself" (Searched by Chili Davis).

Cheers,

Breadbowl Jones Weekly Update

Happy, Happy Tuesday folks.

I have spent the evening in my study considering the world, weighing the ups and downs, remembering to coddle the chili from time to time. Tonight I am working on a chili, called Confederate Blast, that took it's very roots from the Civil War. It is said to once have been a favorite of Ulysses S. Grant. One of the ingredients is actual tree bark.
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Chili prices have plummeted! The nation rejoices as the price for a barrel of chili in the U.S. has has dropped to nearly $3.00 a barrel. A Fill-N-Chill in Poonch, Texas reached $2.99/barrel, and was the first station to break the 3 dollar mark in North America.

Station Manager, Bril Vestibule, made quite an ordeal about his breaking the 3 dollar mark. Vestibule had a PA setup on the back of his pickup truck, and spent the afternoon hollering into a megaphone dressed up in a large #3 costume. Vestibule later drifted too far into traffic, while carrying on about what a great delivery driver he had on his staff, and was hit by a tow truck. Vestibule was rushed to St. Rooster's Memorial Hospital and lived despite being pronounced dead on arrival.
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Chili Chat has been under the gun lately to give a comment about the recent passing of Osama Bin Laden. Bin Laden had been on the Chili Chat's radar for quite some time with his 2004 quote: "Reject the immoral acts of fornication, homosexuality, intoxicants, gambling, and chili." Words of a deceased man.

Local news anchor, Crent Diddler, caught up with Chip Crinkle outside his Vanhoover home last week. "How does it feel, Chip? An enemy of chili is wiped from the earth forever. This has to be seen as a victory for the chili community," Diddler inquired.

A clearly tickled Crinkle would not comment directly on the death of Bin Laden, but did go on to add; "There will be a big pot of chili on the fire at my place tonight, you bet your britches."
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Chili Chat will be launching a new line of Chili-Chat officially licensed shark tooth necklaces. More as that story develops.
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Chili Haiku's


Chili, make yourself at home
Root yourself in my gullet
Chili, take me home


Chili breath, always
on wings of pinto, take flight
ground beef wonderlife
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Come on down to Kitchen Pants on Highway J and Python Avenue for your very own Chili Sundae! $4.99 while supplies last!




















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Have a momentous week, and spread the chili devotion.

Now Available: Chili Chat Commemorative Radial Tires!

They’re finally here and just in time for your summer road trips.  We’d like to announce that the all new Chili Chat Commemorative Radial Tires are now available to the demanding public.

A few months ago, we were approached by a representative from Firestone Tires and informed that they were very interested in partnering with Chili Chat to make a limited edition, all-season tire.  Obviously we jumped at the opportunity. So after a few weeks of tinkering with the design and making sure the specs were up to par, Chili Chat and Firestone have released a gorgeous tire worthy of both names.

Each tire is carefully handcrafted with only the finest Firestone rubber.  What really sets these tires apart from the competition is what keeps them inflated.  Yes, you guessed it, the finest chili money can buy.  If you’re sick of inflating your tires with plain old boring air, try filling them with a zesty batch of spicy 3 bean chili.  Not only do these tires outperform every other chili filled tire on the road today, but they are backed by Chili Chat’s 50,000 meal warranty!

As with most tires, we are offering the classic “Buy 3 tires and get the 4^th free” deal.  But…if you order now, you will also receive a FREE Chili Fix-A-Flat.  Not that we’re doubting the integrity of these fine tires.  It’s a ‘just in case’ precaution.  The Chili Fix-A-Flat also makes a great meal on the go.

These tires are being released on a very limited run.  As I write this article, the orders continue to flood Chili Chat’s inbox.  (Our apologies Gunther Chabeebwoe from Kerginia, VA.  We do not have these tires available in white wall. Please pass our apologies along to your street racing team “Hell’s Ankles”.  We do have our Chili Chat hockey jerseys back in stock though!)  People, people, people, get em while they’re hot!

Cheers,

Chili Chat Investigates: Unlabeled Can – Could Be Chili, Could Be Pears?

Chili Chat investigates:

Citing a report that was issued to the Chili Chat offices late Sunday evening, Klimpton, PA resident Trevin Overby can’t remember if the unlabeled can in his pantry is chili or canned pears.  “I remember putting that can in there last year. I figured I’d remember what it was. But it just kept getting shuffled around and I guess I just forgot about it.  I’m really hoping it's Campbell’s Thick n’ Chunky.” Overby told C.C. via Skype.  “The problem is, I’m not really in the mood for canned pears right now and I really don’t want to waste them.” said Overby, holding the can in front of his webcam for C.C. to inspect.  Although we are trained professionals, with over 45 years of combined chili experience, we remain stumped. “The thing that sucks is that I have Velveeta, jalapenos and Tostitos, so I want to make some killer chili dip. If I open that can and it’s pears, I’m screwed.  It’s like pouring a bowl of cereal and realizing you have no milk.  I don’t know if I’m prepared for that kind of disappointment.”

Mr. Overby explained to C.C. that he considered using a clearly labeled can of smokehouse baked beans for his chili dip, but figured he might want to eat that for dinner on Tuesday. “I’m not easily frustrated, but this is driving me crazy.  I can’t remember if I ate the chili in December when I had that poker tournament in my attic?  It’s like 50/50.” The can is currently in route to the C.C. offices for a hands-on inspection.  Results to follow.  Hang in there Trevin, we feel for you.

Cheers,

Need a Taste of that Chili P

Hi Chili Pals, I apologize for the long absence but I assure you that there is a legitimate explanation. A few weeks ago close confidant and personal friend of Chili Chat, Hormel Brooks came to me and said "Chilo [the nickname that he always calls me], boy do I have a chili recipe that will knock your boots off".

So I says, "Well Hormel, I've tasted a lot of chili in my time and my week is pretty full but I will try my darnedest to make room for your particular blend."

Naturally, I wanted to try his chili but with so many chili's in my schedule I had to ask my secretary, Ola Utt to clear some time for me to check it out.


And...

I was astonished! The rich taste of pork that was legitimately sensationalized by the unique chili powder gave my entire system a shock that only the double rainbow guy could properly illustrate. I couldn't get enough and in a matter of minutes my entire stash was depleted.





After getting chili shakes similar to the ones that Lance Crackers described I order Mrs. Utt to contact Hormel immediately to procure some more of his universe class chili. Unfortunately, Hormel told me he did not have the time nor resources to continuously provide me with the chili quantities that I requested (I asked for a very modest 42.75 gallons for the first three months). In fairness to Mr. Brooks he does have his own blogligations to tend too.

None the less I was persistent, I told Hormel, "We've been friends for years, there must be something you can do? I can't sleep! I haven't had a chili coma in weeks and couldn't even enjoy Chip's Easter Brunch because I was throwing up all week at Chili Davis Memorial Hospital."

Thankfully, Hormel is a man of reason, he told me all that I really needed was the chili powder that he could mass produce. The chili was simply a vehicle for the powder itself. From that day forward I reentered the world as a functioning chili consumer. The best part is that I can inhale it on the go if needed!



Now I've been doing all the things that I used to: attending the Almond Races, designing spoons, watching Chili State's Rowing Team (I have a nephew on the team!), and most importantly consuming chili! It's good to be back and thank you to all for the letters of support. They helped me in my darkest time...

Yours in chili, Brik Chiliholic

Local man expelled for unacceptable living quarters

19 year old Mudd Reebok was sitting in his dorm room, at Strancer Technical College, just like any other day. He was watching some Beavis and Butthead VHS tapes and heating up some leftover chili when he heard a knock at his fourth floor dorm room door. Reebok answered the door only to come face to face with the Krenzle Hall RA; Fred Finkle.

Upon entering the room, Finkle covered his mouth and nose with the sleeve of his jacket, and began coughing. What he saw wasn't pretty. What he saw was Mudd Reebok's living quarters. Finkle had received an anonymous phone call from a distressed young girl on the floor below complaining that it smelled like old chili in her room, and that it was coming from the vents. Finkle went around knocking, and eventually was lead to Reebok's room.

"There were pizza boxes. There were Chinese food boxes. There was chili dried to the floor. It was an unlivable place, quite frankly," expressed a clearly flustered Finkle. The dean of students, two other RA's, and the student life coordinator were called into Mudd's room to see the greasy display.

"I was getting ready to clean up" Reebok explained.

After an impromptu meeting between the hall coordinators and the dean of students, the school decided to take action. After being forced to clean his room, while several students watched from the hallway, Reebok was escorted off the premises. Reebok provided many incoherent excuses for his atrocious chamber, but none of them proved good enough for the school board. Reebok was informed later that day that he had been expelled from Strancer.

"We found one of those chili buckets tipped over in the corner of the room dripping into an air vent," said Finkle. "Explains why everybody's been smelling old chili."

A professional cleaning team was called in to scrub the dorm room clean of Mudd Reebok's time spent in Krenzle Hall.

Idiots Banned from Halloween for Chili Incident.

Cranstonooga, WV residents Duke and Sercy Roufus have been banned by the Crested Butte neighborhood association from participating in next year’s Trick or Treating. While most families were filling children’s bags with chocolate, taffy and those black and orange mystery candies, Duke and Sercy decided to let the neighborhood children fill their bags and bellies with Duke’s award winning chili.

At last summer’s block party, Duke’s 5 alarm chili took home first prize at the neighborhood chili cook-off. To be fair, there were only 2 other entries; a can of Wolf Chili and Mrs. Tettleton’s “Chili Surprise” (which caused an outbreak of dysentery and ruined most of the resident’s summer). Duke pitched the idea to his wife, reminding her how much everyone raved about it and how the children might enjoy a break from all the candy. Shortly after whipping up a triple batch of his masterpiece, the first trick or treaters rang the doorbell. Sercy took the pot of searing hot chili to the door and told the wide eyed youth to help themselves.  The greedy little brats were quickly elbow deep in piping hot 5 alarm chili. Needless to say it wasn’t too long before neighborhood parents came knocking.

Most of the children made a full recovery after a few weeks and some minor surgeries. The matter has been passed around the Crested Butte neighborhood association for months.  Today they revealed their resolution. The Roufus family will not be allowed to participate in this year’s Halloween activities. In addition, Duke was stripped of his coveted title of “Crested Butte Chili Champion”. As runner-up, Kurt Kirkrod was awarded Duke's framed certificate for his can of store bought Wolf chili.

Duke and Sercy informed Chili Chat that they plan to spend Halloween in their basement watching their new DVD set of Mr. Belvidere.

Cheers,

Milwaukee Spice House Has Their Shit Together, Chili Chat Officially Declares!

In a recent effort to to get Americans to eat more health food, The Spice House in Milwaukee, WI isn't pulling any punches. A clean and simple message to their customers reads "Make Some Chili!".  Opting for the less offensive suggestion made by Chili Chat representatives which read, "Make Some Chili, Jerk!". We proudly raise our chili swords to The Spice House and award them with the coveted 5 oyster cracker rating.

Cheers,

USDA Adds Chili to the Food Pyramid.

Chili Chat is very pleased to announce this momentous day in our Nation's history. The United States Department of Agriculture (USDA) informed Chili Chat, via personal phone call, that our country's favorite pastime has been added to the Food Pyramid.

Tervis Tumblers, the Associate VP of American Health and Wellness, contacted Chili Chat yesterday to break the wonderful news. "I knew right away that you (Chili Chat) would be my first call." said a delighted Tumblers. "We think the addition of chili and chili related products will do wonders to help boost awareness of Chili Chat and Chili Chat related products." he added.

This news certainly came as a welcomed surprise. With such a slow news week, we've been grasping at straws for chili related content. This news is sure to grab headlines across the globe. But be reminded, you heard it here first.

The addition of chili as one of the core food groups makes perfect sense. Most traditional chilis are made with some combination of meat, beans, peppers, onions and tomato sauce.  Everything the human body needs to function as a contributing member of society. The beauty of the USDA's decision, is that the food group "Chili" contains any and all chili related novelties. This is including, but not limited to Chili Go-Gurt, Kraft Chili Singles, Chili Slurpees, Chili Binaca and DQ's Chili Blast Blizzards. This will undoubtabley change the way the world eats, but more importatinly, it will finally deliver chili the proper respect it deserves.

The USDA is reccommending every man, woman and child eat 6-7 servings of chili or chili related products on a daily basis.  If you have any questions, comments, concerns or recipe requests, please feel free to contact a member of your Local Chili Tasters Union. This is a proud day for our stomachs and hearts!

Cheers,

Local Piece of Shit Eats Chili Dog in 3 Bites (After Promising to do it in 1).

Chili Chat remains moderately impressed.