I took this photo at Heaven on Seven in Chicago. Didn't have the chili and I probably should have. C'mon, at least offer chili shooters in the half shell. I'm not asking for the moon here.
I did, however take a second to appreciate the homage to one of my favorite Phil Hartman (miss you pal) skits "Colon Blow". This got my wheels spinning. Has modern medicine failed in creating an anti-chili-poop potion? Will I forever have to wield a match in the bathroom?
The potion I am currently developing "Chil-Lax" (patent pending) is a preventative potion that, when ingested sparingly, will absorb the chili poop blues right out of your soul.
Imagine, if you will, a world where one has no fear of eating their favorite bowl of Skyline Chili because they know they won't be riding the china bus in the rec-room bathroom for two and a half hours. To quote John Lennon "You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one."
One spoon full of "Chil-Lax" (patent pending) before initial ingestion of your favorite chili or chili related product will plug you up for up to 12 hours. That chili has nowhere to go, so naturally it will just absorb into your body.
"Chil-Lax" (patent pending) is natural-all-natural, organic, vegan, gluten free, raw, fair trade, HEPA certified, peanut free, moisturizing, exfoliating, anti-allergen and not to mention, delicious!
"Chil-Lax" (patent pending) is the official pre-chili potion of the NFL.
I expect to be hearing back from the AMA any day now with their thumbs up and full endorsement of "Chil-Lax" (patent pending). So look for it at a drug store near you!
"Chil-Lax" (patent pending) does not work on:
- Chili-Mac
- Firehouse chili
- 4 and 5 alarm chili
- Hormel chili
- Chili juice
- Chili Go-Gurt singles
Immediately discontinue use of "Chil-Lax" (patent pending) if any of the following occur:
- Temperature regulation problems - Nerve damage
- Mental confusion
- Liver damage and abnormalities
- Neuropathy
- Destruction of CoQ10, a vital nutrient for health
- Nausea
- Irritability and short tempers
- Hostility
- Homicidal impulses
- Rapid loss of mental clarity
- Amnesia
- Kidney failure
- Diarrhea
- Muscle aching and weakness
-Tingling or cramping in the legs
- Inability to walk
- Problems sleeping
- Constipation
- Racial slurring
FOR YOUR HEALTH!
Dear Mr. Crinkle,
ReplyDeleteI have a pregnant wife and was wondering if there were any birth defects recorded in your studies? If not, I would love an opportunity to finally get the toilet to myself. If so, we'll learn to deal with the chili related defects but could you just explain a few of the common ones?
Dearest Mr. Chiloholic,
ReplyDeleteWe here at Chililab USA, appreciate your interest in Chil-Lax (patent pending).
We are proud to offer products spanning all of your chili needs and desires.
First of all, congratulations on your little chili bean. Our extensive studies have shown no ill effects of Chil-Lax (patent pending) on unborn babies. We have discovered children born
under the influence of Chil-Lax (patent pending), develop a strong chemical addiction to chili. But we don't consider that to fall on the negative end of the health spectrum.
We hope you and your family will continue to purchase and enjoy all of your chili related products and services we here at Chililab USA have to offer.
Respectfully,
Cpt. Chip Crinkle DDS
"Close your eyes, relax and float down the chili stream".